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This is a difficult conversation, but it’s one I’ve been wanting to have. Feminism is super important, and it’s being misused. Can we discuss why feminism has gone too far and how to reel it back in?
I’m in many blogging groups. It’s a nice way to connect with other bloggers and learn from each other. Sometimes there are clashes over differences of opinions. It happens and we all learn and grow from it.
In one group I’m a member of, a woman wanted advice because one of her images was stolen and used as a book cover. Everyone was telling her to contact the author, which from our experience is a bad idea if you want to be able to sue. Always go to your attorney first.
My husband Brian is also in this group and saw this query before me. He responded in his very direct manner, using the word, “shit” to describe the advice that had been dispensed up to that point. He continued to explain what should be done instead, which is contact an attorney. (He later edited his post to replace “shit” with “bad” – see what happens when you communicate with kind intentions?)
(This post previously included screenshots, which have been removed.)
A random commenter named Amanda got very offended by the directness of his comment (she was not even the one who asked for advice – she was a random commenter too) because she called him an ass without any context for her comment. He blocked her, understandably, as we don’t tolerate personal attacks. Then he forgot about it and moved on until I talked to him later that day.
Was Brian’s use of the word “shit” instead of “bad” brash? Maybe if you’re from a family that is afraid of “cuss” words… But if you knew him even a little bit, you’d know he has the absolute best of intentions and just wants to help. He has a huge heart and goes out of his way to help other people when there’s nothing in it for him.
After he blocked her, this woman decided to message me angrily and try to get him in trouble with me behind his back. Yep, she came after his marriage for using the word “shit.”
I have removed the screenshots of the conversation, however, I simply asked her if part of the conversation was deleted. I know that sometimes he can be abrasive, so I wanted to see if maybe I missed something because from what I could see, she attacked him for sharing his opinion.
When I tried to continue the conversation with her about the situation so we could better understand one another – a conversation that she initiated – she blocked me so I couldn’t even have a conversation and come to an understanding with her. All I wanted to do is talk about trying to understand people and their intentions before judging them.
It’s probably a good thing that Brian blocked her rather than engaging with her. I can clearly see that there is no reasoning with people like this when they’re acting in fear.
Women are scared.
I see this so often. Women can’t confront their own fears head on, so they run and hide. As soon as she realized that I wasn’t going to be 100% on her side just because she’s a woman, she ran and hid. It’s sad that we can’t even talk openly from the heart anymore.
What’s more frustrating is the expectation that’s developing to always take the woman’s side in everything, no matter what. I cannot and will not take someone’s side simply because of their gender. That’s just flip-flopping sexism right there.
I don’t blame her for her overreaction though. This is what society is telling us we should feel. Society is dividing men and women instead of bringing them together, and that needs to change so we can all heal together.
I’m a feminist who doesn’t blame men.
I’m a feminist. I have been ever since I was a little girl and learned that women’s rights were something we needed to fight for.
Over and over, I have overcome things people told me I’d never be able to do. I went to college even though my mom discouraged me. I left my cushy corporate job to pursue my dreams even though people told me I was crazy. I moved outside the country with my husband, one year old and had a baby abroad even though people thought what we were doing was so scary.
I’m a woman and I can have my dreams because I work so incredibly hard for them and don’t stop. Women can do anything they dream of if they’re willing to put in the work – no different than men. They truly can, and they need to stop blaming men and start taking action.
We live in a world that is changing. It’s a world where there’s so much opportunity if you’re willing to open your eyes to it.
Have women been oppressed? Absolutely 100% no doubt whatsoever.
There is a lot of hurt there. I know that. I feel that so deeply. But if we ever want to collectively heal, we need to stop demanding that men understand us without also trying to understand them at the same time.
There is supposed to be a balance of feminine and masculine in the universe. We live in a universe of duality, and we need both sides. Up and down. Light and dark. Masculine and feminine.
We can’t demand the world switch from masculine to feminine just because we think it’s about time that we have it our way. It feels like nothing more than a child stomping their feet and saying, “He hit me first,” to justify beating the other child senseless.
Women are doing the same thing when they rise up and say things like, “The masculine was in control for so long – it’s time that the feminine was.” And I feel like that’s the direction a lot of women are moving with their emotions and actions.
They are stomping on men to get one step ahead instead of taking their hands and working together to move everyone forward together. They’re repeating history. It scares me and it saddens me because I know it doesn’t have to be that way.
I know you’re hurt. All women feel that collective pain. I feel it more deeply than you know. But hurting back won’t fix that. As women, we can do better than that. We can be better than that. We are better than that.
Instead of demanding men sway our way and blindly change who they are to comply with the feminine, let’s try to understand them the same way we want them to understand us. You know, following the golden rule and all that.
Let’s stop and understand where they’re coming from – because you’re kidding yourself if you don’t think they’re victims in this whole toxic masculinity conversation too. Many of them were conditioned to be that way from the time they were children, and they need help removing that conditioning so they can be who they truly are inside too.
What they don’t need is to be attacked for acting how they were conditioned to act. The men like my husband who are feminists too, the ones who continuously stand up for women, especially don’t need to be attacked if we want them to continue to be on our side in this conversation.
We as women are acting just as divisively as men when we judge and demean men without trying to understand first. We need to work on trying to understand one another instead of tearing each other down as a first instinct.
So instead of calling a man an “ass” the next time he responds to a conversation in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, maybe take a step back and ask yourself why you’re feeling such a strong reaction. Then say something like, “Hey, I know what you’re trying to say, but it’s coming across too harsh. Maybe next time we can try saying it more sensitively?” Then give an actual example of a nicer way to respond.
We can have balance in our lives.
I feel like we’re on the cusp of discovering a new way of being. It can be a time where men and women understand each other and live in harmony. But we have to be willing to put in the work.
We as women, especially, have to be willing to put in the work because we see that it needs to be done. I put that work in every day.
I am married to the perfect example of masculinity in our culture. He challenges me every day and I challenge him every day, but we’re both working to understand the other side of the masculine/feminine duality. I would love to see more people focus on this understanding of one another rather than the divisiveness.
It’s the only way we’re going to move forward. The ugliness is out in the light. Now let’s focus on co-creating the world we want instead of continuing to fight each other in a world we don’t want.
Through my husband, I’ve been able to develop more patience and compassion for men and their place in this conversation. They need us to take their hands and guide them, not condemn them. I’ve seen it work.